In Finite Space

> With the always looming thread on the horizon (plague) and focus on military and war - life is short and cheap.

This explanation still doesn’t sit right with me. Unlike Battletech, IFS’s version of future doesn’t appear to be dystopian to resort to that sort of mentality, and while the plague is definitely a problem, it isn’t crashing moon from Majora’s Mask that is going to wipe everything out inevitably.  It doesn’t help the fact that it was entirely MC’s choice to resort to military out of personal vendetta, so there is no real excuse for him to be a promiscuous slut.

And it isn’t like game adresses it as n tasteful way either. On the contrary it endorses such behavior which kinda insulting, honestly. According to it its okay to be a promiscuous slut, which is further reinforces harmful stereotypes for gay community. It either has to adress this sort of thing or left it offscreen entirely, cuz as it stands now, it just not a good look.

(On the other hand your second argument is on point and I fully agree with it)

Thank you for taking the time to read the review. (EDITED)

1- I don't disagree that the character designs are of good quality. I am just having trouble imagining metal shoulder and chest pads on something that reminds me of Khakis like how ww2 uniforms use to be.

There are also some detailing with lines to give the art style more depth. However I've seen similar things (and more... well executed?) on anime figurines. In fact, some even go further and try to add not only lines but some texture that is somewhat lacking with the art style of your FVN (eg https://www.odditycentral.com/art/artist-turns-generic-figurines-into-ultra-real...) It wouldn't hurt to add some texture to what you have right now because with just 1 extra shade of darker/lighter color (besides some black lines for detail) it doesn't really help the viewers get a sense of touch into your world and so it becomes less memorable.

2- I really like space genres (battles, adventure, or smut...) so when I came across this there was a hope it would be a big project. Im not blaming you or anything... My impatience made my tongue slip and you didn't deserve any unfair criticism for that. You have every right to write the story you want to write. The point I was trying to make is that FVNs are now starting to get so popular that there is incentive for a big team to make a FVN with multiple routes or other interesting mechanics and have it be profitable. Some FVN patreons have almost a thousand subscribers with a decent chunk giving more than just 1$ a month. There are digital nomads living and working from low cost of living countries (or cruise ships) so if I had the necessary equipment and team this would definitely be my full time job AND i'd have a better, less stressful living condition.

3- (The Edit. Sorry about the great wall of text. Ill try to get to the point without dragging as much).

To put it short, I read a lot. While I don't write as much as i'd like to, I still know what ingredients goes into a good story.

One ingredient is readability. If you check out Comidacomida's work on SoFurry you'll see what I mean. He uses simple words, doesn't phrase things that need a grammar expert to have a double think, and the... colors? of the vocabulary are wonderful, so when you read it you actually enjoy it because he can turn words into art with the way it is all strung together. Unfortunately In Finite Space lacks these qualities in some regards, making it a bit of a chore to read through.

Another is the narrative. Im sure it is too early to tell, but I am not really learning anything about the characters of what their culture values. Readers love flawed characters that are relatable or different cultures that makes us see things with new perspectives, however the storyteller fails in this regard. I thought it was going well with Eryx the Bear but then events became incoherent and lacked logic. Supposedly his parents make him train very hard. And then he loses a spar. So he is staying up late to get in more training. Now all that makes sense if you think he is punishing himself over his loss while having an ego for being #1, but he has a clumsy streak (because he did fall down. Also this FVN isn't shy about stereotypes, and bears tend to have a clumsy stereotype to them). Perhaps his character arc is about letting go of perfection or being what youre not but that isn't done. In fact I am not sure what is done... Is he just eye candy for people with a specific type? That's all it seems like to me. 

Speaking of coherency and logic, this FVN doesn't seem to feel like it was written by 1 person who has something to say. It feels like it was written by 10 different (horny) people. Im sure we all played or seen others play "take turns to complete a sentence but you can only say 1 word on your turn".  If it is written by 1 person they need to go back to the storyboard phase and start ripping out things that don't have any importance. Distill it to its essence while keeping the sequence of events logical. You can keep things logical by first writing out the personality and temperment of your characters, eg an angry character with a short temper would go from grumbling to physically violent when they get triggered. Eryx sort of held up well since you both can bond over losing your spars, making the easy friendship with him logical, but then that's about it. In their world the new recruits are very subservient to their superiors but there is no logic for that. Supposedly they are fodder, and yet they are trained as if to become superiors themselves... This makes no logical sense unless it is about patriotism (yet they are so racist and elitist to each other? even patriotism for such a cruel society seems illogical, though you could make the case for brainwashing which can be interesting) or if the new recruits are all some kind of sadists. I think the latter because of how degraded the MC wants to be and has.... a kink for his officer... It just feels that way. Which makes it weird their whole army culture is about a dom/sub sex relation. That's not my fetish so I dont feel simpatico with the MC and the way he goes out of his way to be of "service".

Last 2 things would be the pacing between certain events as well as the world building going on so far.

Pacing is more than how many words you write between 2 events. You can even make it shorter or longer AND make the story even better for it. Pacing does a lot of things, one of which is setting a mood for expectations, or to set it up to subvert expectations if your MC is about to meet a subversive or tricky new character. Ender's Game does this really well, but if you'd rather another FVN that does it well would be Roads Yet Traveled. (Spoilers) The MC is nervous to meet the Captain, and it turns out for good reason too, because she turns out to be very intimidating. At first I thought the MC was being a wimp for no reason and there was no reason to fear her... And then we meet her and OMG she is scary! I am actually glad a writer can make me regret being wrong (in a good way ofc). But thankfully she is rational and not mean for the sake of being mean... She did make it to Captain after all so it wouldnt be logical some mega corporation would put someone unhinged at the helm of the ship. The pacing between when the MC was getting nervous, to waiting for the suspense to build, to meeting her and being alone for a while, and when Tyre gets a beat down, to once again being alone with her is all well paced and helps the reader feel the subtle feelings the writer intended to portray and releases our nervousness about her when it is all over while having something to look forward to when meeting her again WHAT!? Unfortunately that all goes out the window in In Finite Space. It always feels like there is unsettled business with every character so far. While I have no issues with the events the way they start and end leaves me emotionally confused. For eg the feelings of solitude right before we meet Eryx just seems to start right back up when we part ways. The MC (thus the writer) fails to insert the way the world subtly changes. We walked out of that entire interaction with the way things started. I was expecting more of a skip to our step or a change of perspective about lonely nights. No offense, but besides the eye candy your characters dont feel like they do anything else for the reader on an emotional level.

While I do not like information dumps, there needs to be more moments where the MC notices something and explains how it makes him feel. IK it helps build up mystery to not describe an enemy too much too quickly but I feel like that whole scene should be rewritten. Often, the reactions of others are supposed to be a hint to how we should react, and yet that was missing. No  shared scar trope, no mention to how things changed forever (other than still being at war) ((eg take the TSA ever since 9/11)), no change of mood from rambunctious to solemn... At least it doesn't feel that way. Besides the enemy, you could point to certain technology, engineering, or culture that needed to evolve from something we as the reader can relate to into something new that makes logical sense to their world. Unfortunately I fail to feel what it is like to be part of their world. Because of the tone it is written in, and that I find horny for the sake of horny to be annoying, it just feels like this facility theyre all in is a candy shop and the MC is just there to oogle some furry people while trying to get his kink on and I can't take the story seriously. I think story ought to come before the smutt since that is guaranteed to make people read your work and have more of an emotional impact with a character they can relate to or fancy. I just think a writer would feel bad if people use the skip button until they reach a nude character...

There are more ingredients but I dont find them as important as these, especially since In Finite Space seems to be very lacking in these regards I find most important. I don't mean to come off across as someone who just wants a story written differently. I genuinely believe there is always a better way to rewrite a thing, and there is a lot of polishing that can be done without changing the essence of this story. Ive read so many stories so Id know what works and what is just clutter that ruins more ways of enjoying the story than helps it. This FVN does have some clutter but most of common of all is a carelessness when it comes to the reader in mind. Your readers are always thinking and making assumptions and going through feelings and emotions. We don't get a flow from the writer and it can feel like we are just a spectator to a wolrd and people we dont care about. Many people would call such experiences a waste of time with nothing to gain. I am sure many would disagree with me, but I would wager it is because they find a certain character appealing or have the same kinks as the MC. Nothing wrong with what you fancy, but stories are supposed to be for a wider audience to learn something. Im sure if we could have art of a character they fancy and a story about them my same cirtics would flock to that media over your FVN which I am sure you are pouring so much effort and love into. FVNs wont survive against such media that can do what you do but more cheaply and less time consuming, so if you also care about being fairly compensated and appreciated you'd focus more on the quality of the writing and take your time to polish it up, at least until the characters, personalities, and events they find themselves in are all logically coherent, and trust your audience to love them over the relatable moments and moments they wished they had IRL. While it wont be an "Amazing work of art!" it is good enough for a FVN made by a passionate small scale creator and be a lot better than what it is now.

Since this visual novel has no routes and it is linear does that mean you can have NSFW interactions with the other squires and knights that have their character images in the game?